The past month made me realize that "happy or sad" does not always capture it.

I don't think I'm sad. I'm still curious. Still working. Still learning. Still trying to make sense of complicated things at work and in life.

But I also feel like I am moving through things faster than I can understand them.

There have been too many things happening lately. Work decisions, non-work work stuff, things I need to understand, family plans, health worries, adulting spreadsheets. Nothing impossible on its own, but all of it stacked together starts to feel heavy.

Like too many tabs open in my head.

And then two of my uncles passed away within a month.

I don't know if I would call what I feel grief exactly. Maybe it is too quiet for that. Or maybe I just don't recognize it that way.

I read somewhere about the word Sehnsucht – a deep longing or ache for something you cannot fully name. I don't know if that is the right word either, but it feels closer. Not sadness exactly. More like wanting things to feel lighter, clearer and quieter. Wanting life to pause for a bit, even though it never really does.

So I keep doing normal things. Meetings. Coffee. Walking. Dinner. Sleep. Repeat.

But something is still there in the background.

So if you ask me how I feel, the answer is probably:

Not sad exactly.

Not fully happy either.

I still want to build. I still want to learn. I still want to get better.

But I am learning that being okay does not always mean knowing what to do next or knowing how to solve something immediately.

Sometimes being okay just means continuing, while making room for things that I don't completely understand.